1. Not Having a Sense of Smell
Scientists have found that smells plays an
important role in sex — but not in the way
you’d think. Studies show that men and
women who lack the ability to smell also
report having fewer sexual partners and
being less satisfied with the sex that they
actually do, somehow, manage to
have. The issue is that smell plays a huge
role in how human beings communicate
emotions to each other, with feelings like
“nervousness” and “fear” being regularly
transmitted through odors before they’re
communicated with words or body
language. Losing the ability to smell when
your partner is turned on or even if they’re
sexually compatible with you deprives men
and women of the confidence they need. Of
course, I’m not saying that you should go
around sniffing people in bars or asking
them to smell you before you try to bring
them home, but… actually? Yes, that’s what
I’m saying, because that sounds
hilarious. So go do that now.
2. Using An Android Phone
According to an OKCupid survey, iPhone
Users have an average of 10-12 sexual
partners by age 30, with Blackberry users
coming in a decent second at 8 and
Android trudging along at the back of the
line with an average of 6. There’s no
obvious reason, but since Android users
are more likely to put out on the first
date we’re forced to assume it’s because
they’re just desperate. I could make the
obvious joke about how iPhone users
aren’t just getting f*cked by Apple (like
Wired did) or I can talk about how Android
users are probably getting better at swiping
their own screen — but I won’t, because
that would be crass. And I’m never
crass. Moving on.
3. Not Shaving
A recent study showed that men who don’t
shave have less sex, fewer orgasms, are
more likely to work blue collar and suffer
from angina. Goodbye Brawny-Man
stereotype, right? Not quite: the study
wasn’t just about shaving, but about men
who stay in all day and never go out and
don’t care about their
appearance. Basically it’s proof of the idea
that if you don’t take care of yourself and
never try to get laid, you won’t. So if you’re
feeling bad about your lack of action, a
shower might be a good place to start.
4. You Have High Testosterone
While most people believe that
testosterone is the “Sex drive” hormone,
and while that’s almost certainly true for
men, it’s starting to look like it might be a
bit more complicated for women. A recent
study shows that women with high
testosterone still get aroused, but are less
interested in having sex than they are with
taking care of business themselves. Going
it solo, if you will. Saluting the man in the
canoe. Typing with two fingers. Sending
yourself some morse code. Celebrating
independence with a private, personal
fireworks display. You know. Masturbating.
5. Taking Oral Contraception
Despite the fact that the whole reason for
the pill’s invention is to give women the
opportunity to have more sex, countless
studies continue to prove that it actually
kills women’s libidos. Anecdotal evidence
aside (You’re sure to meet someone who
can carefully explain how because this isn’t
true for them, it must not be true
for anyone.) science says that the pill
makes you not wanna have sex. IUDs and
condoms are fine, though, so go have
whatever kind of fun you feel like.
6. Not Being Spiritual Enough
Having a well developed sense of
spirituality not only leads to more frequent
and satisfying sex, but it may also be the
most fascinating difference between men
and women. While spirituality (not religion
these are very different) is the single most
powerful determining factor in a woman’s
sexual behavior, it is much weaker and has
the opposite effect in men. Women who
are more spiritual have more frequent sex,
with more people, are more satisfied by it
and less likely to use a condom. Spiritual
men, on the other hand, have less
sex. This is most likely because men aren’t
as likely to equate satisfying sex with
emotional openness the way women are.
7. Not Having Sex
Well, damn. It turns out that not having sex
is a pretty big determinator in keeping you
from having sex. A recent study found that
not having sex creates the kind of behavior
that continually leads to less and less
sex. For example, couples that only have
sex once a week are more likely to take
more work to use up that extra energy,
which then leaves their mana-well far too
low to cast the level-6 Boner-Bolt their
partner so desperately needs. And as the
stress builds, having sex becomes even
more difficult, until you’re drawn down
into an entirely sexless void where
everyone always wears clothes and the only
thing on TV is Matlock.
8. Being Too Smart (Or Too Dumb)
Sorry, nerds: in the harsh words of an
unkind sociology professor from North
Carolina, “Intelligence is negatively
associated with sex frequency.” The smarter
you are, the less likely you are to get
laid. The longer you spend in school, the
more nights you spend alone. The harder
you pump those blood vessels in your
brain, the less pumping you’ll… well, you
get the picture. Weirdly enough, there’s
something of a parabola in the high school
years, that quickly becomes more of a
straight line as you get older: in high
school, low intelligence and high
intelligence are both associated with less
sex, so it’s the average Jill and Joe that are
stealing cigarettes and blowing each other’s
minds in the third-floor bathroom during
fifth period. But as they grow up, the
dummys have a lot of making up to do, and
boy oh boy do they ever make it up. The
smart folk never do, though. They live their
lives cold and alone forever. All of them. If
you think you’re smart and having sex
then, well, I’m sorry to say that you’re
wrong about one of those things. Or
you’re the outlier. Whichever.
9. Watching Porn
You’ve all heard the story about Squinty-
Bill, the ordinary teenager who was
corrupted by internet porn and turned into
a sex-crazed maniac who blew his parents’
entire 401k on hookers in Las Vegas during
one orgiastic weekend. But you’ll be
shocked to learn that Squinty-Bill is most
likely a myth, firstly because of this study
that correlates porn use with erectile
dysfunction, and secondly because I just
made Squinty-Bill up. Yup, while you may
not go blind, the truth is much, much
darker: porn will slide its spindly needles of
addiction right down your eyeballs, curl
them inside your brain, and rip all the parts
out that make sex work. Especially if
you live in Rome, for some reason.
10. You’re a Smoker
Sorry guys, this one only applies to you. It
turns out that cigars are more like penises
than Freud ever imagined — in that when
you burn one down, you burn the other
down as well. You light one up, and the
other gets cooled off. You can suck on one
now, but there’ll be nothing to suck on
later. Smoking makes your boner not work.
No comments:
Post a Comment