Dear Jesus,
I think I have erred this long because
instead of getting to know you, I chose to
pretend I already knew you.
Perhaps it was because everyone acted
the same and I didn’t want to feel left
out. Maybe I had heard about you too
long to say I didn’t know you.
The truth however is, I really didn’t know
you. It was impossible to fathom your
love or why you would give it to a
stubborn like me. Everywhere I went to
find comfort and a way to relate to you, I
was deceived.
The people, the church, the pastors, the
messengers of peace…. All were out for
their own selfish gains. After trying to
understand what it meant to hear
someone say “Jesus saved me,’ I finally
gave up.
After moving from gatherings to
gatherings I started to realize most of the
words that proceeded from the mouth of
the saints were mere words with no
meaning. It was a damn religious circle
and I was done with it.
Then there were the ‘mantles’ in form of
handkerchiefs, anointing oils, gimmicks,
dead works, pride in men who claimed to
work for you and are generally referred to
as ‘men of God.’ Reverence that bothered
on fear for human beings, blind following
of the pew, sexual immorality amongst
pastors and their members, greed, politics
in the affairs of the church and the list
goes on and on.
I really was sick of it all Lord. So, I gave
up. I didn’t mean to quit but something
in me had seen enough and I didn’t want
to be a part of the whole charade. In an
attempt to keep my sanity, I ran. Further
and further from your people and also
from You.
I ran right back to the mud you brought
me from. I ran back to the familiar. I ran
back to a system that was real and
thriving and even though it didn’t fill the
void I felt on the inside of me, it numbed
the pain.
It was good to be with people who didn’t
pretend to believe what they didn’t
understand. It felt safe to know that I
wasn’t ever going to need to say “Jesus
saved me” without fully understanding
what that meant. I found peace with
people who were real enough to say, ‘I
want to live my life as I please and not
have to account for nothing.’
It was easier to stay home on Sunday
mornings than gather with a set of people
who couldn’t understand why I didn’t fit
in or who looked down their noses at me
when I wore something they considered
‘unholy’ to the ‘house of God.’In all, it
was great I was pushed out. It was great I
stayed away from all the drama, stories,
lies, greed, judgment and what not that
pervaded ‘your house.’ Above it all, it was
great I started to feel empty again.
This emptiness drove me to a deeper
search for meaning. It drove me to me. It
drove me to search the scriptures for
myself, perhaps for the first time. And
most excitedly, it drove me to You.
As I grow in knowing you Jesus, I realize
that more and more of my authentic self
begins to emerge. I realize that it’s not so
hard forgiving those who have hurt me. I
realize that I don’t have to be like
everyone else or judge people. All I need
to do is accept your love, your gift of
salvation and rest in it.
I have no intention of ‘spiricoco-ing’ up
neither do I point fingers at the way
people choose to live but I have made up
my own mind to embrace the light you
bring and by my living, show others just
how simple it is. Because of my
experiences and the way I keep surviving,
I am gentler with others and myself. I
don’t fully understand my process yet,
but I am learning to see me the way your
word says you see me. I am attracting into
my space, people, circumstances and
events that are putting me right on the
path I want to travel.
Today I say thank you. Thank you for
staying with me like you said you would.
Thank you for your Spirit that leads and
guides me into all truth and continues to
lead me even when I insist on holding on
to a lie. Thank you for not allowing me die
before my time. Thank you for the hope
and assurance in my heart. Thank you for
helping me develop a stronger sense of
purpose.
Thank you for the tender heart I have.
Thank you for my LA187 family, they have
helped me in more ways than they could
ever imagine. Thank you for my biological
family who aren’t perfect but are just
right for me. Thank you for peace, joy,
love, understanding and the ability to
empathize. Thank you for health, for
soundness of mind and complete
functioning body parts.
Thank you for your blood that speaks
better things than the blood of bulls or
goats (my mind is still trying to
comprehend what all that slaughtering
was about back then though) lol.I am
coming back to the heart of worship Jesus
and it’s always been about you.
As I continue on my path, please continue
to keep me. For the most part, I don’t
know what I am doing but I intend to stay
true to the ‘knowing’ in my heart.
At the end of my time here, let me say “I
fought the good fight, I finished the
course, I kept the faith.
Yours in service,
Ese Walter.
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